Dear readers,

Dear readers (if I have any), 

The more I think about what to write next in this blog, the less of a point I see in doing so. I mean, I haven’t lost sight of the original purpose of why I started this blog, and that still remains my goal. But the person I’m writing about cares so little about me that it’s almost laughable for me to still have any feelings for her whatsoever. But my goal was to get these feelings out into the open, and as pointless as that may be, I’m still hoping that it will do me some good. It’s been a very painful journey for the last three years, and it’s about time I focus on finally healing. And I suppose there’s a part of me that still hopes she’ll find and read these someday. But I’d be fooling myself to actually think it would matter to her. I’ve seen what kind of a person she truly is, and I’ve come to accept that other people’s feelings mean very little to her; especially mine. 

Come to think of it, there’s something I should take a moment to clarify before I write any further. The namesake of this blog is probably going to be a very confusing thing to some if I don’t explain what it means first. 

When I call this person “the greatest love I’ve ever known,” I’m certainly not referring to the love I received from her. In fact, even though I did believe she loved me while we were a couple, I now have doubts that it was ever genuine. That being said, please understand that I’m not delusional. When I say “the greatest love,” I’m only referring to the love I have for her. And although I do still love her, I’m also deeply embarrassed about it. To still have feelings for this person after all she’s put me through makes me feel like the biggest dolt in history. But the truth is, love is a fickle beast. It doesn’t answer to reason or logic. And it doesn’t respond to any attempts at abolishing it. It doesn’t turn on and off like a light switch, and it certainly doesn’t go away when you want it to. How easy life would be if that were the case. But the truth is, loss hurts like hell. And nothing has ever hurt me as much as losing her. That being said, you’d probably wonder why I’d break up with someone I felt so deeply for. Well, it all boils down to trust (or the lack thereof). 

In the past, I’ve been able to make a relationship work even when I wasn’t in love. Being “in love,” and just loving someone, are two very different things. I’ve been with people that I felt love for, but I wasn’t always “in love” with them. At least, not with all of them. But just having the feeling of love alone was enough of a reason to make an effort. And I’ve even made relationships work when there wasn’t any physical attraction, or sexual chemistry, or if we didn’t have anything in common. To me, these things are more of a luxury than a necessity, and they’re not necessary in order to be a companion to someone. But the one thing I cannot do is have a relationship with someone I can’t trust. And this is what came between Bunny and I. 

There are two things that no one should ever do in a relationship. No one should ever share their arguments publicly, and no one should ever discuss details of their sex life. Well, my ex has done both... many times. And from what I can tell, it is these actions that have cost her each relationship she’s ever had. And yet, she can’t seem to stop herself from making the same mistake over and over again. But she certainly does know it’s wrong, and I do believe she’s fully aware that this has caused her to lose companions and friendships alike. She’s definitely not a stupid person – not by any means. So I find it impossible to believe that she doesn’t know where she’s been going wrong. But it’s not enough just to “know” when you’re wrong, or when you’ve made a mistake; not if you continue to make the same ones repeatedly. So, I can only conclude that she’s either doing it on purpose, or perhaps she’s incapable of stopping herself. But I’m positive that she’s aware of it. 

The last time I had seen Bunny in person, I went to her apartment with the express intention of breaking up with her. By then, she had shared many of our arguments on Facebook, and I had told her how I felt about it each time she did it. She knew it was wrong, and she apologized for it. She said she wouldn’t do it again, and she asked me to give her another chance. I gave her three. But within one week of that conversation, she had burned through all three chances and continued to post our arguments publicly. At that point, I really had no other choice but to leave her. It was a simple enough thing I was asking of her, and there’s no reason why she couldn’t acknowledge it. In fact, this is something an adult shouldn’t even have to be told. But why apologize for something she wasn’t sorry about? Why tell me she would fight to keep our relationship if she planned to do the complete opposite? Why continue to betray my trust after I cried in her lap and begged her to stop? And more importantly, why blame me for leaving her when she knew full well that it was her own actions that caused it? I’ve been trying to get these answers from her for the past three years, but she refuses to respond to them. So, why start a relationship with someone if she had no intention of taking it seriously?

As for the arguments we had, each of them had ended in misunderstandings, which led to her making assumptions instead of talking to me personally. And each of them ended the same way, with her saying, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Well, any respectful person would acknowledge that request and back off. And that’s exactly what I did, each time. Even though I knew she misunderstood me and refused to allow me to correct it, I still respected her wishes and remained silent. But none of these arguments ever ended there. Instead, they all ended up in Facebook. And it was there that I finally learned what she was angry about. So why not tell me personally? Why not share her feelings with me instead of posting about it publicly? Why not allow me to defend myself? And why ask her friends to weigh in on our arguments when we never even finished having them? None of this makes any sense, and this is what’s been hurting me for the last three years. And it’s also the reason why I haven’t been able to get over her, or to move on with my life. The fact that all of these things could’ve been resolved with a simple conversation has left me with a false hope that things could still be fixed between us. And her idea that it can’t be fixed is the one thing I have never been able to accept. 

But one thing is for sure... I give up. I know that I’ve made every effort that I possibly could, and I know it’s not my fault that it never made a difference. And to be honest, I actually wish it was my fault. If only that were the case, I would’ve been at her doorstep begging for her forgiveness. If all it took was an apology from me, I would’ve moved Heaven and Earth to make it up to her. But again, she knows exactly why I left her, and she refuses to accept responsibility for her own actions. She’d rather blame me for things that I didn’t say or do instead of facing the real issue at hand. Maybe it’s her own pride that got in her way. Or maybe she’s her own worst enemy. Maybe she’s in denial, or maybe she cares more about her own reputation and ego than she ever cared for me. And maybe our relationship never meant anything to her at all. But whatever the case may be... I give up. I have to. And I see now that I never really had a choice. 

— David